Visions Journal

Jen

Reprinted from the Involuntary Treatment: Tensions and choices issue of Visions Journal, 2025, 21 (2), pp. 23-24

I was mixing lots of booze with weed, not eating and not sleeping. After a few tormented weeks of no sleep, with delusions in full effect, I saw things and heard things that were not there. I became suicidal and too sensitive for anything. I was also homeless, with delusions that people were out to get me.

It was confusing as to how I got under involuntary treatment in the first place. I was making a complaint when the police politely escorted me to the hospital. Somehow, it seemed they played along with my delusions enough that I trusted them and went into that hospital.

I think from there I felt paranoid and out of control when they said I was being admitted. I felt betrayed. Deep down I knew something was wrong though, and that I probably needed the help, as my thinking was very off.

A mixed experience

Things were explained clearly to me. But the admission still played on some of the delusions I was having, so I was probably acting suspicious.

I always felt treated with respect at this hospital. I did feel heard by staff and medical staff, too.

I tend to keep to myself and sketch or do some kind of art, so the art room helped me distract myself. Slowly the cloud of delusions started to lift after some time at the hospital, and I began to realize how much I had needed to be there. I think for me, my doctor made a big impact with how I looked at my own mental health, encouraging me to try not to be so hard on myself, and to not stigmatize.

The only thing I would say that was difficult about this whole stay at the hospital was that there were actual mice there! It felt very dingy, unkempt and institutionalized. These are not great conditions in which to better yourself.

But I think the stay helped me tremendously. I had become very suicidal in my thinking. I wanted to die and had attempted at one point. I really don’t think I would be alive if I had not been admitted involuntarily.

Next steps

The discharge was pretty easy from what I remember. The doctor found the right medicine and dose that effectively lifted all the delusions. I wouldn't say I was thinking completely clearly, but clear enough that I knew what I needed to do to take care of myself. I was given a plan when I left and had some supports in place. The hospital made sure I had a place to go to. I did feel ready to leave, as most suspicious behaviour had left as well.

I think what helped the most in my recovery was knowing nothing was permanent, that I would continually be improving as my brain adjusted to the medicine. It’s a weird feeling that’s hard to describe, but at that point with the medicine, you're in between, and you just need to keep going until you’re totally well. I'd experienced getting well before.

After leaving, I got an alcohol and drug counsellor through a clinic with Vancouver Coastal Health, and we still talk about how it's going. The clinic sorted me out with what I want to do afterwards, including employment, and offers help with my overall health. It's been a good support.

I would change the system by making the facilities more welcoming and less institutionalized! The mice, where I was, were a little traumatizing.

I would say to the workers: keep treating us with kindness and respect. It goes a long ways.

I would say to someone going through what I went through: don't fight the system, but let them help you. My hospital stay saved my life.