Visions Journal

San Stephens

Reprinted from the Is It Safe to Be Me? Creating inclusive and accessible workspaces issue of Visions Journal, 2024, 20 (1), pp. 31-32

When I was young, I knew I wanted to have children. I also wanted a loving partner. I was raised by a single mom. Later on, she met someone and we became a blended family. Those years were not easy. I struggled with low mood, and I was hospitalized with anorexia nervosa as a preteen.

I met somebody when I was in Grade 12. We got married when I turned 19 and had two children. He was very controlling and emotionally and physically abusive. Not the dream marriage I had wanted. He also struggled with mental health. I tried leaving him several times but always ended up going back.

My Grandma knew my marriage was failing and suggested I go back to school, which I did. I got an on-call job where I completed my first practicum. I was thinking about leaving again when my husband had a major overdose attempt that left him with brain damage. It was hard, but that summer I did leave him for good.

I was now a single parent going to school and working on-call jobs to pay a mortgage. My girls and I were all falling apart in our own ways. Both struggled with anxiety and managing their emotions. My youngest had extreme meltdowns. Add in their experiences witnessing family violence, being mugged while out with their grandma and having a traumatized mother, it made sense they were struggling. I was working so hard I kind of forgot about my own mental health, which got me in the end.

When they were in elementary school, I met my current partner. We eventually had a baby together. I was working on my degree and planned on continuing after I gave birth. It was an extremely hard pregnancy—I had excruciating migraines and nausea. My migraines did not go away. I was prescribed strong pain medications, which I became addicted to. Working full-time became impossible. I ended up on a disability pension. Since my ex-husband was unable to work, I didn't receive any child support for my two older children. I could make extra money while on disability, so I took a local job roughly in my field. It didn't pay well, but it was in my community during school hours.

The mental health of all three of my children got worse. They all received counselling at Child and Youth Mental Health. My youngest entered the school system just as my middle daughter started high school. Both were struggling with insomnia and anxiety. We ended up with a double whammy of school refusal—neither of them had the capacity to attend regularly. I remember receiving a letter from my youngest's school that she’d been late or absent 52 times. All I could do was laugh. I didn't need a reminder. This was my life!

When my middle daughter entered Grade 8, a combination of bullying, anxiety and depression stopped her from going to class. My youngest struggled with separation anxiety, sensory issues and learning. I couldn't work full-time, as I was either homeschooling or driving to alternate programs out of our catchment area.

Working was also very difficult for me when my middle daughter was a teen and young adult. She was emotionally dysregulated and experienced suicidal ideation. She self-harmed, struggled with disordered eating and used substances. I refer to these years as "my put-out-fires years." I was continually locating and keeping her safe, taking her to the ER and sometimes picking her up from the police station. Nobody can do this and successfully hold down a full-time job.

Our social circle got really small. My daughter couldn't tolerate being alone or having people over. She also damaged our home. There's a lot of stigma that comes with mental health and substance use. You feel shame and guilt as a parent of a child struggling with mental health. We felt we needed to protect ourselves from all the judgment, and we were exhausted. I found it hard to do anything social or even go to appointments. My marriage barely survived.

This journey also hit us hard financially, as obviously, I wasn't bringing in very much money. We paid for private psych assessments, equine therapy (with horses) and tutoring for my youngest daughter, and for dialectical behavioural therapy (DBT) and a concurrent disorders therapist for my middle daughter. My partner and I also took DBT skills courses for parents, and we did family therapy with my youngest. Her behaviour brought up my past traumas, so a saving grace was having my own therapist.

We spent a lot of money during those challenging years—house repairs, lost cell phones, prescriptions and special food. My middle daughter didn't go on disability pension until she was 23, so we had to support her. I know some of the money I gave her went to support her substance use.

As things settled a bit, I took on more work gigs. I feel if I had completed my schooling and had one well-paying job, I would have had less stress. It took a couple jobs to make comparable money.

I know parents in my situation are always told self-care is important, but it's totally true! Mini self-care moments were the way to go for me. It could just be sitting in my car for a moment to ground myself before going into the house, or taking deep breaths of fresh air. It adds up. If I hadn't started practising self-care, I wouldn't have withstood the intense situations we experienced.

I encourage caregivers to carve out time to replenish energy with something you enjoy. Start small, with five or 10 minutes a day to do something just for you. Maybe sit in the sunshine with your morning coffee, or start a project and do a little each day. When your life isn't going as you'd hoped, it's important to experience these moments of mastery and joy.

We got better with setting limits. It was hard at first, as my middle daughter's behaviours got bigger before they got smaller. We started clawing back pieces of our life, doing activities outside the house again. At first it was hard for her to tolerate being home alone. Eventually, she started using her coping strategies. I can say today that she's functioning really well.

All my daughters are riding the waves of life. We're still trying to get ahead financially. Having three healthy daughters is what matters. And I'm finally going back to school!