Visions Journal

A loving model for integrating grief at work

Mallory O'Connor

Reprinted from the Is It Safe to Be Me? Creating inclusive and accessible workspaces issue of Visions Journal, 2024, 20 (1), pp. 16-17

I think we could all use a bit more love at work. Not romantic love, but a loving spirit of generosity, grace and support. I know from experience that when we hold this space for each other, our workplaces can become an integral part of our support system when grief inevitably interrupts our lives.

I work in a unique organization. We help companies become more purposeful places to work. We focus on improving organizational culture and how people communicate and collaborate. For almost 18 years I've crafted my way into many new challenges and roles at Habanero. I have both received and provided meaningful coaching and mentorship. It's been a remarkable and fulfilling career journey.

I recognize how unique this experience is and that not everyone has a relationship with work that they could describe as loving. I probably wouldn't have described it as such until it was put under stress by the biggest challenge of my life. In March 2020, our 15-year-old son Clive ended his life by suicide. At the brink of the pandemic, the world crumbled around me and our family.

How my workplace, company leaders and colleagues responded has galvanized my thinking about how workplaces can create a loving model for grief:

Redefine bereavement leave

Our organization is "policy light." There isn't a prescribed bereavement leave. In many companies, standard leave is three or five consecutive days. As anyone who has experienced loss knows, that is not long enough to cover the initial passing, future arrangements, funerals and celebrations of life. I'd suggest making leave days flexible and as-needed, not capped in number. This allows employees to have support if grief rears up in the future, such as on anniversaries and other milestones (i.e., birthdays, Mother's Day), without being forced to choose between income and well-being.

Advocate for grief as an acceptable condition for disability

I was able to access our company's short-term disability benefits when it was clear I was not able to return to work after Clive died. And when I exhausted the short-term period, I was able to transition to long-term disability with the support of my GP, employer and therapist. Having continuity of income, which was graciously topped up to 100% by Habanero, meant that I could focus on putting one foot in front of the other through the seemingly impossible journey of grief.

Treat grief like a concussion

After five months on leave, I started a gentle, part-time return to work. With the long-term disability provider, we framed the return as gradual—starting with just a few hours a week—and unpredictable. Unlike a physical injury, where the journey to full functionality follows a fairly typical trajectory, recovery from an emotional injury can be non-linear. We likened my capacity to that of a concussion, with good and bad days. Rather than forcing a fixed commitment and pushing through when it "hurt," my employer and the disability provider supported flexibility in my plan. In the end, it resulted in my full return to capacity, both at work and in my community, where I was able to resume my role as the chair of the Vancouver Mural Festival.¹

Support grief literacy

Our organization is only about 60 people, so we tend to know each other well, often sharing stories of our home lives and family experiences. One of the most remarkable things that Habanero did to help make my re-entry to work successful was to recognize how worried and uncomfortable my colleagues were about meeting with me for the first time after losing Clive. They didn’t feel confident in knowing what to say or feared saying the "wrong" thing. Habanero brought in a grief counsellor, who facilitated a company-wide session on grief and loss, mental health, teen suicide and how to support a colleague. It gave people a chance to learn, ask questions and feel more comfortable.

Communicate expectations

While I can't speak for what others would want or need in coming back to work after a loss, I can share what was important to me. I wanted to prepare my colleagues for my return. So ahead of just popping in to a Teams meeting, I crafted an email to the whole organization, sharing my gratitude for their support and what they could expect from me. I helped them understand the nature of the work I'd be starting with and that I might still be a bit wobbly, especially with folks who knew Clive. That we might cry together. That I still wanted to hear about their families. That talking about Clive wasn’t a taboo subject. And that if things were too hard for me in a given moment, I'd just let them know. This clarity helped so much in setting expectations for such a hard, complicated journey.

Over my initial few weeks back, I made the effort to meet one on one with work friends and colleagues. It was hard, but it was a way to integrate the loss into my work life. I can’t say this would be the route for everyone, but it helped me. I was able to communicate what I needed for a successful return and to reconnect with my peers.

A truly human experience at work

The experience I had with Habanero was unprecedented, but also congruent with the values of the organization. Hard times test what you stand for, and they showed through their actions that they stand for a human experience at work.

There are so many mutual benefits to creating workplace grief experiences like mine. For the employee, there's safety in experiencing their grief and returning at a pace that is in their control. The continuity of their income means they won't rush back just for the pay cheque; rather, they will return when they're emotionally ready. This ensures a more confident re-integration to work.

For the employer, this approach takes a long-term perspective, rather than focusing on the short-term resolution of getting an employee back to work. They create deeper trust and loyalty with that employee. The company is also doing the right thing for the business. They are retaining highly trained, valuable resources who would be costly to lose and replace. From a bottom-line perspective, they are better off than if they limited bereavement benefits, forced an unsuccessful return to work and negatively impacted their employee’s well-being and engagement. They’re demonstrating that they are truly living their values and are an employer of choice.

To me, this is truly human. And it's love.