This is a chapter of the workbook Gone too Soon: Navigating grief and loss as a result of substance use.
For some people, their instinctive response to pain and loss is to isolate themselves. Others may find themselves feeling isolated due to the stigma associated with drug use and the responses they receive when they talk about having lost a loved one to substance use-related harms such as overdose. You don't have to grieve alone and may find it very helpful to talk to a professional or to others who have experienced similar losses.
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Support groups
Support groups for people who have lost a loved one due to harms from substance use exist both in person and online.
The BC Bereavement Helpline can connect you to support groups specifically around substance use and loss. It can be accessed by phone at 604-738-9950 (Lower Mainland) or 1-877-779-2223 (toll-free, outside of the Lower Mainland) or http://www.bcbh.ca/. The BC Bereavement Helpline maintains a Grief Support Resource Guide that includes over 300 grief and loss resources, located in over 80 communities in BC. Additional resources, including a list of support groups, can be found on the BCCSU website.
Counsellors
Find a counsellor who you feel comfortable with, ideally someone who specializes in both substance use and grief counselling.
Counselling BC has an online tool that can help you find professional counsellors and psychotherapists who are registered with a recognized professional body in British Columbia. You can search by location, areas of practice (e.g., addiction, grief and loss), approaches, and language spoken. This tool can be accessed at http://counsellingbc.com/counsellors.
Your local crisis line can help you find low-cost and/or sliding-scale counselling options in your area. A list of crisis and support lines can be found here: http://suicideprevention.ca/britishcolumbia-crisis-centres/. You do not have to be in active crisis to access these services. The BC Bereavement Helpline can also provide counselling referrals. It can be accessed by phone at 604-738-9950 (Lower Mainland) or 1-877-779-2223 (toll-free, outside of the Lower Mainland) or http://www.bcbh.ca/. You can also call 211 from anywhere in BC or visit http://www.bc211.ca for a list of community resources including counselling.
Ask for help
Friends or family can help with practical considerations. Consider asking for help with cooking, cleaning, childcare, and other tasks. If your friends don’t know how to help, consider asking them to read the following section.
Supporting a friend or family member through loss
If you're reading this section, you may be searching for ways to support a loved one who has just lost someone they love to drug-related harms. You may have been asked to read this section by your loved one. That’s okay. Many people feel unprepared to talk about death and grief and worry that they will say or do the wrong thing.
Some things are more helpful to hear in the days after the death of a loved one. These are straightforward statements that express your sympathy and help to make this new painful reality real. These might include statements like, "I'm so sorry to hear about [name] dying," or "I'm so sorry [name] is gone." When possible, try to match their language. For example, if your friend says that their loved one "passed away" then use that language. If they say that their loved one has died, use that language.
Just as there are helpful things you can say, there are also things that are not helpful. These generally include things that are meant to give meaning to their loved one's death. Examples include, "It's meant to be," "It was God's will," "[name] is in a better place/with Jesus/with the angels," or "They lead a full life." Although these are meant to give comfort, many people report finding them unhelpful and even painful.
In the days, weeks, and months after a loss, there are several very practical things you can do to support your loved one. This may include cooking for them, going grocery shopping, or ordering take-out, since cooking can feel impossible in the days after a huge loss. It may also include providing child care so they can attend to practical matters (like funeral arrangements), attend counselling, or sleep. Other things you can do might include walking the dog, doing the laundry, or helping them pay bills and set up appointments. It's important, when you offer help, to be very specific with what you're offering. For example, offering to mow the lawn, bring over a casserole, or clean the house. Making a vague offer or asking them to let you know if they need anything, while well intentioned, is unlikely to result in them asking for what they need, as they may be too overwhelmed to be able to identify and ask for what they need.
Many people express comfort and shared grief through touch, like giving hugs or patting someone on the back. However, all this touch can be overwhelming and may be unwanted. It is best to ask first rather than assuming that they want a hug. It's also really important to consider time and place when you talk to people. For example, asking about a loved one's death at the grocery store is likely to bring up difficult emotions they weren't planning to experience while running errands.
Although the grief, shock, and pain will get less acute as time passes, it's important to remember that grief does not operate on a timetable and your loved one won't be "better" after 3 or 6 months. This loss will always be with them, but the first months and even years can feel incredibly destabilizing. While your own sense of loss may decrease as time goes by, those who were very close to the person who died (for example, their parents, children, siblings, and romantic partners), may experience shock and intense grief for a long time. Continuing to offer support after the first days and weeks is one of the most important things you can do. As others go on with their lives, it can feel like people have forgotten about the person who died. By continuing to offer support and love, you help show that you know how monumental this loss is. Holidays and anniversaries can be especially painful after losing a loved one. Offering extra support around birthdays, winter holidays, and marriage or death anniversaries is important.
While you no doubt have your own ideas and beliefs about death, it's important to remember that each person has their own ideas and beliefs about death, and relationship to faith, religion, and spirituality. What you find comforting may not be comforting to your friend or loved one. It's best to follow their lead when talking about spirituality, religion, faith, and finding meaning in death.
